Sydney's now famous annual Running Of The Gays festival was once again successfully held through the streets of Darlinghurst just under two weeks ago.
For 29 years this traditional event has attracted some of the bravest young men and women from around the world to take part in testing their bravery against a rampaging stampede of gays and lesbians.
Competitors were given a 30 second head start at the beginning of the course along Oxford St Sydney before the gays were unleashed in a frenzy behind them.
No major injuries were reported with the exception of a few bruised egos as some participants were tossed to the ground or took the odd unexpected horn from
behind.
This years crop of gays and lesbians were again trained to perfection, with butches, dykes, givers, receivers, queens, mincers, leather daddies, dominatrixs, ladyboys, bears, ace queens, bastket weavers, boon daggers, fagateenies, tansy’s and shibari specialists all coming out in their full glory angrily chasing down the panicked participants.

Notably absent were the cherry boys and as usual there wasn’t an angel with a dirty face to be seen.

If you would like be be a member of the audience for the taping of the popular 30 second talk show Understanding 50 please call 1300 999 999 during the hours of 9am-5pm Monday 19th March 2007.

Since the death of ex-Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith the Nesbit family have noticed a new interest in the evening news by their once news-shy 13 year old son Tim.

Before the death was reported and the endless news coverage began, typically accompanied by slow motion video montages of the shapely star in various states of undress, Tim had no interest in the news. Since the untimely death Tim is waiting every day at 6pm for news on her burial and is often switching on to CNN and Fox News for breaking updates.

"It is so good to have a boy so keen on current events," gushed Tim's mother Sandra, "he is becoming so focused that he does not like to be interupted so some days he even secrets himself downstairs to the spare TV to watch the news alone!"

"Ice, ice baby"

A new survey released today has revealed that you are hooked on ice. Right at this very moment as you read this story the scourge that is Methamphetamine, or ice, is ruining your life. But not just your life but also that of everyone you know and hold dear, as sadly they too are hooked on ice. In fact everyone in Australia is totally and utterly hooked on ice. These shocking findings only help reinforce the utter distain this drug has for you and the menacing way it has found it’s way in to everyday life. This scourge upon our great nation is literally tearing the very fabric of society apart with every single Australian unable to stop smoking, injecting or snorting ice at every given moment, the study reveals.

After being questioned upon arrival at customs about suspicious substances, Sylvester Stallone decided to lay low for the duration of his stay in Australia. His idea of laying low consisted of throwing items out of his hotel window attracting even more suspicion and another customs visit. Being avid lurkers near hotel room windows, and therefore there on the night in question, we can bring you the Top Nine other things thrown out of Sly Stallone’s hotel room window…?
9) Angela Bishop, then Richard Wilkins, then Angela Bishop again. She is persistent
8) A spent condom worn by Bridgitte Neilson
7) A script for Rocky VII that sees him fighting Apollo Creed to jump the queue to see a hip replacement specialist
6) Hundreds of copies of the one favourable review that said Rocky VI was “no worse than the last 5”
5) A substance that is natural that he has used for years: speech therapy books
4) A scrawny 50lb bellhop, just for being a puny wimp
3) Jackie Stallone's predictions that Cancer's may receive an unexpected raid by Australian customs officers on or around 11:30pm on the 19th
2) A tattered copy of Growing an Oily, Ratty Mullet For Dummies
1) His dignity

"If it bleeds, we can kill it"

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has today announced the immobilisation of 2000 Australian troops to help in the fight against French love rat Oliver Martinez. Now hated by every Australian and officially wanted for crimes against Our Kylie, Oliver Martinez has gone into hiding somewhere in a New York hotel. Reportedly taking with him a bevy of tall brunettes, Gerard Depardieu movies and lots of cute fluffy kittens to eat.

With no greater issue facing our nation, the drought and the war in Iraq have taken a back seat with unilateral support for the military incursion coming from both sides of parliament. John Howard has appealed for international support from Britain and the USA claiming, "You're either with us, or against us and therefore a love rat yourself." Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd showed his support by stating, “This is what God would want us to do. Oliver Martinez is the devil and must pay for his sins. Oliver Martinez is going to Hell for what he has done to our favourite Pop Princess.”

Head of the Australian Defence Force, Air Chief Marshal Angus Houston, has stated that Australian troops will not rest until the reprehensible love rat has been caught and brought to justice for having the gall to dump Our Courageous and Tenacious Kylie so callously after all she has been through.

The troops will leave for New York on a specially chartered C-130 Hercules aircraft early next week with enough provisions for up to 6 months of heavy conflict. Before deployment troops have been put through an intense training course on ways to spot Oliver’s camouflage armour, how to avoid being shot by his shoulder laser canon and how to combat his infra red vision through the use of mud and bright lights.

Show your support this Wednesday by helping raise money for our struggling Kylie by participating in the first national "Talk Like A Plumby Brit Day". All monies raised on "Talk Like A Plumby Brit Day" will go towards helping Our Kylie cope with breaking up with her love rat boyfriend, an ordeal that no famous Australian woman should ever be allowed to suffer again.

"Well... look at that my cock seems to have 'accidently' slipped out."

While taking a quick time out from his heavy pre election campaign NSW opposition leader Peter Debnam has taken the opportunity for a quick swim at the beach. Strutting in his speedos Mr Debnam asked reporters, "don't you just love my cock?" He then turned to a group of teenagers and asked if they would like a cock like his when they grew up.

Mr Debnam then continued, "I mean look at its outline in my black speedos. All nicely packed between my two just as nice looking balls. In fact I’d say I have the best looking cock and balls in parliament."

"I believe if enough people get a look at my stout, axe handle-like cock I have a better than even chance of winning the next election. The ladies will have a hard time voting against such a fine looking cock."

"Imagine if it was to fall out of my speedos right here right now, how many people would be jealous of its boldness and lustre. It gets special attention I hand wash it each day and it has its own chamois for drying. It's the Mercedes of cocks really."

NSW Premier Morris Iemma has expressed disgust and slight jealousy at Mr Debnams flagrant flaunting of his cock in public, “Mr Debnam may well have a nice cock, which in fact he does, it still does not give him the right to strut Sydney's beaches in his wet, taunt, genitalic cupping speedos asking random members of the general public if they like his cock."

The University of New South Wales's drama department's latest play, a live production of the 1989 movie Weekend At Bernie's has opened to rave reviews this week. Starring Simon Wylie and James Duncan in the lead roles made famous by Andrey McCarty and Jonathan Silverman the real star of the production is Donated Body 722b who plays Bernie Lomax, the 'dead' leading man.

The production has been playing to packed theatres since it opened two weeks ago with the Sydney Morning Herald's arts page describing Donated Body 722b's performance as "one of the most relaxed stage presences I have ever witnessed. His ability to portray a corpse is nearly flawless and his sense of comic timing is close to perfect. Pay extra attention to the ultra realistic way his arm falls off his body in the second act, the makeup and special effect expertise of undergraduate Brad Hogen (for some reason billed as morgue technical / embalmer) obviously also deserve credit for his work. A must see, 4 stars."

Satire site writer, part time dental nurse and full time substitute soccer mum, the Naughty Pig has today surprised his friends and colleges after suddenly appearing after nine months of inexplicable absence.

Disappearing in early May 2006, many of the Naughty Pig's friends and relatives had given him up for dead (or at least rotting in a Thai prison), but today at approximately 3:39pm he casually walked back into his offices unaware of the fact he had even been missing. Apparently the Naughty Pig had accidentally travelled forward in time by falling through a wormhole created by masturbating to a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History Of Time.

Upon his return the Naughty Pig was keen to discuss all the cutting edge and important issues that were on his mind when he left such how would Gaelan fit in inside the Big Brother house and would those trapped miners be happier if Kochie referred to them as 'great blokes to have a beer with.'

After a brief period of shock the Naughty Pig then spent the next several hours trying to come to terms with how far the human race had advanced by trying to decipher the rules to channel 10's the CONtest.

• Garry Glitter Makes Mercy Flight To Australia To Help Free Trapped Minors
• Jeff Kennett To Return To Politics, Chaser Team At The Ready To Recycle All Their Old Kennett Jokes
• Survey Names Australia's Three Favourite Varieties Of Wood As Pine, Oak and Karl Stefanovic

Actress and star of such films as Kiss The Girls and Double Jeopardy, Ashley Judd, has today spoken out at the lack of quality "wrongfully accused / women on the run" film roles available in Hollywood at the moment.
Sighting an almost 7 year gap since her last film of this kind, Ms Judd commented that it was, "a sad day in Hollywood when roles where women are set up for crimes they did not commit only to single-handedly track down their enemy to deliver their ultimate revenge possibly in a rural farm house setting or on a high rise building in the rain only to stop short of killing them as the detective assigned to capture her finally finds her just as the enemy reaches for his gun and both her and the detective shoot the enemy at the same time, are not out there anymore."
This criticism is not only from women, actor Tommy Lee Jones has also recently questioned script writers ability to deliver roles for no nonsense world weary federal marshals and crusty FBI agents assigned to track high profile wrongfully accused killers on the run.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has this week tried to insult Israel by saying "The Zionist regime is a decaying and crumbling tree that will fall with a storm"... Ouch! Having been the Iranian President's speech writer up until last week until he was found with a male concubine, the Naughty Pig can bring to you the Top Nine other things Mr Ahmadinejad was going to call Israel...

9) An impotent horse unable to perform for its debut beastiality film
8) Dried cat poo that is unable to stick to a shoe when trodden on as it has dried to a white powdery substance
7) The weird red head from The Pussy Cat Dolls who scares young children
6) A beardless Doug Parkinson
5) A worn out wettex unfit to remove spilt pasta sauce from laminex
4) A bunch of fucking Jews
3) A dried out scab on the knee of democracy ready to be wiggled loose and flicked at the girls during recess
2) An ageing dance student desperately clinging to her youth with a dream of one day making it on Broadway
1) The limp sweaty handshake of a nervous photocopier salesman as he realises he has blown the deal before even meeting you by leering at your secretary, who is also your wife.

The Annual BRW Top 50 Richest Australian Entertainers List for 2005 was released this week. The usual names were all there, Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe and a few new ones. With most of them it is obvious where all the money comes from but others not so. These are the Top Nine things you did not know about the BRW Top 50 Richest Entertainers...

9) Without selling hand made knitted coats for cats on eBay, Nicole Kidman would only have earnt a mere 17 million
8) Keith Urban makes that much money singing country music. Seriously!
7) Greg from the Wiggles has blown most of his share of the money on his fairy bread addiction
6) With AC/DC on the list the government finds the disposable income of bogans is easier to track
5) Russell Crowe will soon be off the list if he keeps insisting with that TOFOG crap
4) Harold from Neighbours is a notable absentee
3) Baby Mia Carwright-Hewitt is at number 43 and may never see a cent of it. C'mon
2) Magda Szubanski almost missed out on the list, not because she doesn't make enough money but simply because she is no longer entertaining
1) The Veronica twins divide their money 60/40 in favour of the prettier one

Artists impression of the Hewitt's first family photo.

Just when most people thought Lleyton Hewitt had reached the limit for exploitation of family privacy for financial gain, the bar has once again been raised by the announcement of his brand new web site called www.lleytonhewittspreciousfamilymoments.com.au.

From today people will be able to purchase various photos of baby Mia ranging in price from $280 for a wallet sized portrait up to $65,000 for a 6'x14' copy of Mia's first Pixie Photo shoot at a suburban Sydney K-Mart store. Also limited edition 'Special Moments' videos and memorabilia is being offered for sale.

"I thought striking a deal with Women’s Day for sole pictures, videos and stories of his kid was callow, cold hearted and disrespectful but the little bugger either just doesn't care or has no idea what the word ‘family’ means" said one disgusted Sydney resident.

Some of the more controversial photos include a picture of Bec breast feeding called 'A nip of milk thanks mum' which is listed as a limited run of 5 reprints at $35,000 each and a video of Mia's first nappy change which has been rated M as it contains strong language and has an asking price of $100,000.

A former family friend had this to say, "It's like he knows he's a talentless, unlikeable little prat who has next to no chance of being a dominant force in world tennis, so is making hay while the sun shines. If I was Lleyton I'd be booking that baby a place in therapy rather than daycare. I can see it now 'So Mia this is the second time we've met and we've so far established that your father doesn't love you and had you pegged as simply a dollar sign from an early age...'"

After the announcement of the new web site several complaints were reportedly made to NSW Child Services about the welfare and perceived exploitation of baby Mia. Unfortunately, Child Services have stated they are unable to do anything due to a conflicting deal they have in place to sell any information about baby Mia to New Idea.

The web site is due to go live at 4pm today and 50% of the proceeds of the first 20 photo sales will go to the Lleyton and Bec Hewitt Children of Tennis Players Under 5 Feet High Foundation.

So ripe and ready

The Australian Pedal Appreciation society's 200 strong membership has today voted to come up with a new name to refer to themselves after yet another misunderstanding with members of the public and police.

Pedal Appreciation Society members, or "Ped-o-philes" as they refer to themselves are people who appreciate pedals and all things pedal related. At their weekly meeting at a scout hall in the outskirts of Sydney a motion was passed to come up with a new nickname to replace ped-o-philes.

Speaking for the group, cofounder and spokesmen Rory McNonce said, "Much like technology enthusiasts referring to themselves as techno-philes and music lovers audio-philes we thought it was the natural name when referring to ourselves. We did not really run in to too much trouble until our annual charity day at Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital where we were chased off the property. So far we have a few suggestions for a new nickname such as ped heads, peddle pushers and my favourite the Tightcherrypinkboy'sarsehole-ophiles."