Due to the extended week of daylight savings in the eastern states of Australia, 37-year-old office manager, Maurine Druis has forgotten to set her biological clock back an hour throwing out her entire body clock.
With her biological clock remaining an hour ahead of everyone else Maurine has begun her usual predatory behaviour, she usually reserves for the bar near work, whilst still in the office. In her desperate attempt to ‘land a man’ and ‘finally get knocked up’ Maurine locked her sights on the unsuspecting office junior, Kevin Grind.
Unfortunately Maurine came on a bit too strong by attempting to "buy" Kevin a drink in the office kitchenette and suggesting they "get out of this place" to "find somewhere they could talk". Sensing the threat Kevin managed to escape unharmed.

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Promising readers "regular updates" and "daily posts" a little known weblog or "blog" has finally been updated after a month and a half long unexplained absence. Without explanation or apology the site has obviously been hastily updated with another lame post of limited interest.

Click to load a printable PDF version to wrap around your Who or New Weekly.

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"It's behind you, BEHIND YOU," yells the crowd. Inset: Irene knows he almost had that one

Sick of being the bridesmaid in Australian tennis, Wayne Arthurs has attempted to change his fortunes and raise his low public profile. Splitting with his long-time wife and starting a romance with Home and Away "starlet" Irene, Wayne has been doing all he can to mimic the success of the Lleyton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright. So far this has been to no avail.

Irene from Home and Away has been a constant (sometimes the only) sight in the stands at all Wayne's games over the 2006 Australian Open but still he is not receiving the attention he feels he deserves.

"I can't believe that still no one is paying Irene and I any attention. Does her being three months pregnant not interest anyone?" said a clearly-agitated Wayne Arthurs at his round 2 Mixed Doubles loss press conference.

"What else do I have to do? Isn’t being the world’s number 16 ranked doubles player enough? I mean Irene has been on Home and Away way longer than Bec Cartwright ever was plus I have been playing tennis longer than Lleyton. Where are our million dollar contracts with New Idea to tell the secrets of our love nest? Where are the crowds of paparazzi at my games. I got as far as Lleyton (in mixed doubles) I don't think I even saw a camera at the game, let alone one trained on my beautiful future bride."

When asked for comment, Irene from Home and Away said, "Oh Jeez Darl', Wayne and I just can't cop a break. I love him like a troubled street kid, I mean at first it took a while for him to see me heart of gold but now we are the happiest couple at the Melbourne Tennis Centre. I get more attention at the diner for pete's sake. I just wish he'd win a flamin' game though."

After losing a whopping 14kg to slim down to escape prison, Robert Cole has cashed in on his success and released a new diet book Slim Your Way To Freedom.

His new bestseller is not without controversy with dietician Rosemary Stanton criticising the diet for needing unhealthy and unrealistically high levels of sodomy to achieve the desired results.

Stanton claims she is not "anti sodomy" but believes it should only make up a small part of a balanced diet.

"Robert Cole's book does advocate several sensible healthy ways to achieve weight loss such as eating like a jockey, chiselling stone and scaling 20-foot high wire fences while being chased by the screws. But it is his insistence of at least two servings of prison-grade male sodomy that we are worried about. I am not saying cut out all delicious man-on-man white-knuckle forced-intrusion sodomy, just maybe cut it back to once a day."

Sitting awkwardly 200kms off the West Australian coast for the past few days, Cyclone Daryl has decided to take advantage of his new-found high public profile, and release an album of his take on some of the great adult contemporary classics.
"Its quite an eclectic mix of some great old and new songs," said Cyclone Daryl. "It's got something for every member of the family from James Taylor's You've Got a Friend to Drops Of Jupiter originally done by Train. I've even done a cover of Backstreet Boys' Incomplete for the kids."
The album is expected in stores on Tuesday when Cyclone Daryl is to begin his whirlwind tour of Australia, but will most likely fade into obscurity when he gets slightly inland.

Damir Dokic's recent threats on Australia, including dropping a nuclear bomb on Sydney, have proved impractical for a few reasons: a) not owning a jet plane and b) being unable to construct a working fuse for his own homemade nuclear bomb. We have come up with our Top Nine easier ways for Damir to have his revenge against Australia ...

9) Take a shit in a random jar of vegemite
8) Reveal the location of where Jelena got that mole moved to
7) Produce another child, again raise it as a forced tennis champion and then have it play for Serbia
6) Toilet paper Australia's front yard ... New Zealand
5) Accept channel Nine's invitation to be on Celebrity Overhaul
4) Kidnap an Australian, just not the newborn Prince of Denmark, despite what everybody says, he is NOT Australian
3) Marry Rose Porteous to regain Australian Citizenship, yes, he is just that mad
2) Pull off his own international coup and convince Daniel Kowalski to swim for Serbia at the Olympics only to have this backfire on him severely when Daniel continually comes in second
1) Buy a large chunk of property in Serbia and set up his own Australia. He'll have his own Australian Open which serves players only COLD sausages before matches

Seeing we had literally thousands of complaints that our last Sudoku was a little easy "more Moderate than Difficult" many said, we hope to have improved things with our second attempt. Answer provided next week.

Rated M15+.

Palestinians are calling it “holy punishment” from Allah; others are calling it normal for a 77-year-old man to be in a coma. Either way Ariel Sharon is still not showing any sign of recovery. Understandably people are getting a little bored waiting so we give them the Top Nine things to do with Ariel Sharon while he is in a coma...

9) Fly him to the futuristic looking Star Wars ride at Disneyland, leave a Jerusalem paper dated 3050 by his bedside and wait
8) Test some radical new coma recovery treatments on him. eg Try running Daddy Day Care for 72 hours straight to see if brain activity increases or decreases
7) Shave his eyebrows. And his balls
6) Dress him as the Little Mermaid
5) Hook his catheter up to his saline drip
4) Fly in Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman to help him finish off peace talks
3) Uncircumcise him
2) Try to bring him out of the coma the only way Israel knows how. A fresh wave of violence against Palestine
1) Call in the Mythbusters guys to test the ‘hand in some warm water’ party trick

The Naughty Pig would like to apologise to Heath Ledger and the producers of his new movie Brokeback Mountain after incorrectly referring to the movie as Bareback Mountain in its recent review.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused to readers who had asked for tickets to Bareback Mountain at the box office and were embarrassed once advised correctly.

Bea Arthur

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