Fly my pretties

US President George W Bush has today made public ‘irrefutable proof’ that hurricane Katrina that caused so much destruction to New Orleans was, in fact, caused by terrorists. Mr Bush’s proof centres around his recently learned ‘chaos theory’. He claims that Al Qaeda operatives have trained and released butterflies in the Brazilian rainforest with the express purpose of setting off the so called Butterfly Effect to cause damaging and evil storms in the USA.

Mr Bush has promised to move all remaining troops from the US to South America to destroy these freedom-hating insects. “America’s number one priority is to track down and kill the evil doers before their numbers spread,” said Mr Bush, “each flap of their wings brings with it a wave of hatred at our beliefs and way of life.”

Asked how the government was tipped off to the now apparent terrorist attack Mr Bush claimed to have pieced together the puzzle himself, “We had a showing of that Jurassic Park movie in the White House cinema the other week while the storm was raging. The Jeff Goldblum character spells it out in plain English. He says somethin' like ‘A flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas’. We do not know yet whether Mr Goldblum is directly involved but he is a little Arab looking so we have shipped him off to camp X-Ray to be on the safe side.”

The Al Jazeera TV network in Afghanistan has shown footage of several suspected terrorists catching and training butterflies and has claimed to have received a letter from Al Qaeda claiming responsibility for the hurricane.

Al Qaeda, however, have not claimed responsibility for the follow-up storm ‘Hurricane Rita’ although Mr Bush has used his theory to calculate this may be the work of Iraqi Insurgent’s ceiling fans.

After winning big on a scratchy last Thursday, nuevo-riche westie Trevor Diggins has shocked his friends by dumping his long time live-in girlfriend and getting himself a trophy defacto.
Trev makes no apologies for dumping Rayleene claiming the two had grown apart, but friends of the couple say his new younger defacto Tracee is nothing but a bronze digger, only after his cash.
Trev maintains that he is in love with Tracee and that she is a “real good sort” and “easy on the eye”, plus with her being able to claim a disability pension due to losing a toe in an industrial accident she is a good little earner herself.

An alternate universe calling itself Alfa Beta Kappa Fubu, has this week made the bold claim that it is ‘way cooler’ and not into all that ‘mainstream crap’ like the pathetic universe we are currently living in.
Sporting a pair of oversized sunglasses, tight black jeans and a torn second hand Radio Birdman t-shirt, Alfa Beta Kappa Fubu went out of its way to point out how it was wearing this sort of stuff way before it became popular.
“I was listening to Greenday way before your universe jumped on the “Dookie” bandwagon and I was going to see Oasis when they were still just a support act for Ride and the Jesus and Mary Chain. Your universe is so mainstream. I mean I was so over Desperate Housewives after I downloaded it off the internet, like, last year some time.”

Second fiddle MP3 maker Creative Labs has today jumped on the iPod bandwagon by announcing an iPod giveaway contest. Like Streets, Pepsi and thousands of other retailers before it, Creative hopes to cash in on the success of Apples product by offering purchasers of their MP3 players a chance to win an Apple iPod MP3 player.
Marketing manager Maria Horton said “Our extensive market research shows that an iPod is by far the number one wanted device with customers, so like several other companies we’re going to try to boost sales by having a give away.”
Customers who buy anything from Creative’s Zen or MuVo range can simply sms in a special code for their chance to instantly win.

After self diagnosing herself with thrush using a 1998 copy of Dolly Doctor and a compact mirror, teenager Sally Byrnes has decided to try a home remedy cure in an effort to avoid an embarrassing trip to her GP.
On her next particularly itchy and heavy discharge day she went to the fridge to find some yoghurt, as the magazine had suggested, to restore her yeast levels to normal. Unable to find any yoghurt miss Byrne’s has had to settle for her younger brother’s chocolate Yogo. So far the thrush remains uncured, yet her boyfriend is able to Yogo when it’s lunchtime and he can Yogo when its not!

Now your future rests on the red... no make it black!

The recent Federal legislation allowing workers to nominate their preferred superannuation fund has seen the emergence of some new major players in the fight for your super dollar.

The latest entrants to the market are the Star City and Crown Casino Groups who have set up their funds with direct access to the public, allowing members to deposit their contributions themselves. Super contributions are easily made at either casino in specifically designed “super machines”.

Members are eligible to have their super deposited directly into the fund straight from their salary in $2, $1 or 5c lots. If you are a member of the Government’s voluntary contributions scheme this can go directly into your preferred lucky machine or as credit on your Member Reward Card where it can be taken as discounts at the all you can eat buffet.

A choice of different types of funds will exist under the scheme from the riskier High Yield Fund (double down) to safer but lower yield schemes (collect winnings). This level of user control over the way future income is handled is revolutionary in the area of superannuation.

“We think this is a great leap forward for the average person who now has greater flexibility with their super money and gives us unprecedented access to the forced savings of the common man,” said a spokesperson for the new Star City Super Fund, “and remember if by some off chance you do manage to loose all your super there is always your next employer contribution giving you the chance to win it all back.*”

*Is investing is a problem for you? Call the Investors Hotline 18-Invest!

A few days ago a dolphin was found stabbed to death on a Victorian beach. Setting aside the logistical issues associated with carrying out such a bizarre crime we have delved deep into the criminal mind to find the Top Nine reasons you would want to stab a dolphin to death...

9) Flipper called in a favour
8) He said he’s just got a new job to making some extra cash by taking your mother for a walk after school
7) He wouldn't wipe the smile off his face
6) It was going for a sneaky look at your girlfriend swimming
5) He keyed your car
4) He’s from the red bandana gang and that’s what happens to those trick ass mutha fuckers when they mess with us puce bandanas
3) He wouldn’t shut up during Survivor
2) He tried to shiv you first and you had to retaliate to let the other dolphins know your not a push over
1) To prove to your mates you’re tough after they caught you crying during McLeods Daughters

Mark Latham launched his highly controversial book this week where he launched scathing on everything on Kim Beazley to little fluffy bunnies. Due to our exceptional grammar skills we were asked to sub edit the book and can bring to you the Top Nine tirades that were unfit to publish...

9) Kim once ate two entire hams during question time
8) Tony Abbott and Peter Costello once went to the zoo, Tony fell into the elephant’s poo
7) His man boobs bouncing against his belly is what made his pancreas sore
6) When burning his bridges he prefers to use Redhead matches
5) Wanted to call his book fuck y’all muthafuckers but was beaten to it by Mary Donaldson’s biographer
4) Has received a man bra as a joke present 17 times
3) Simon Crean once sent Julia Gillard a Valentine card... from Granny Mays!
2) Doctors estimate that being nice during the lead up to the election took 5-6 years off his life
1) He thinks you’re a cunt

Petrol prices seem to be continually rising and showing no signs of slowing with some petrol stations asking $1.40 a litre. Not having to deal with this ourselves as we bought the car that runs entirely on pig faeces from Mad Max 3, we asked our friends for the Top Nine ways they are coping with sky-high petrol prices...

9) Now turning the car off at night
8) Buying things they don’t need at the supermarket just for the fuel dockets
7) Reluctantly walking to the corner store
6) Do a 50/50 tank. 50% petrol, 50% water
5) Siphoning from the little old lady next door who only drives to church on Sundays
4) Selling the car for a Vespa then realising dignity is actually worth the extra $40 a week in petrol
3) Getting one of those Hybrid cars – half horse half cart
2) Watching Keanu Reeves’s action thriller Chain Reaction for clues on how to get cold fusion to work
1) Replacing the Meth Lab in the backyard with an Oil Refinery

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