"It's behind you, BEHIND YOU," yells the crowd. Inset: Irene knows he almost had that one

Sick of being the bridesmaid in Australian tennis, Wayne Arthurs has attempted to change his fortunes and raise his low public profile. Splitting with his long-time wife and starting a romance with Home and Away "starlet" Irene, Wayne has been doing all he can to mimic the success of the Lleyton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright. So far this has been to no avail.

Irene from Home and Away has been a constant (sometimes the only) sight in the stands at all Wayne's games over the 2006 Australian Open but still he is not receiving the attention he feels he deserves.

"I can't believe that still no one is paying Irene and I any attention. Does her being three months pregnant not interest anyone?" said a clearly-agitated Wayne Arthurs at his round 2 Mixed Doubles loss press conference.

"What else do I have to do? Isn’t being the world’s number 16 ranked doubles player enough? I mean Irene has been on Home and Away way longer than Bec Cartwright ever was plus I have been playing tennis longer than Lleyton. Where are our million dollar contracts with New Idea to tell the secrets of our love nest? Where are the crowds of paparazzi at my games. I got as far as Lleyton (in mixed doubles) I don't think I even saw a camera at the game, let alone one trained on my beautiful future bride."

When asked for comment, Irene from Home and Away said, "Oh Jeez Darl', Wayne and I just can't cop a break. I love him like a troubled street kid, I mean at first it took a while for him to see me heart of gold but now we are the happiest couple at the Melbourne Tennis Centre. I get more attention at the diner for pete's sake. I just wish he'd win a flamin' game though."

After losing a whopping 14kg to slim down to escape prison, Robert Cole has cashed in on his success and released a new diet book Slim Your Way To Freedom.

His new bestseller is not without controversy with dietician Rosemary Stanton criticising the diet for needing unhealthy and unrealistically high levels of sodomy to achieve the desired results.

Stanton claims she is not "anti sodomy" but believes it should only make up a small part of a balanced diet.

"Robert Cole's book does advocate several sensible healthy ways to achieve weight loss such as eating like a jockey, chiselling stone and scaling 20-foot high wire fences while being chased by the screws. But it is his insistence of at least two servings of prison-grade male sodomy that we are worried about. I am not saying cut out all delicious man-on-man white-knuckle forced-intrusion sodomy, just maybe cut it back to once a day."

Sitting awkwardly 200kms off the West Australian coast for the past few days, Cyclone Daryl has decided to take advantage of his new-found high public profile, and release an album of his take on some of the great adult contemporary classics.
"Its quite an eclectic mix of some great old and new songs," said Cyclone Daryl. "It's got something for every member of the family from James Taylor's You've Got a Friend to Drops Of Jupiter originally done by Train. I've even done a cover of Backstreet Boys' Incomplete for the kids."
The album is expected in stores on Tuesday when Cyclone Daryl is to begin his whirlwind tour of Australia, but will most likely fade into obscurity when he gets slightly inland.

Damir Dokic's recent threats on Australia, including dropping a nuclear bomb on Sydney, have proved impractical for a few reasons: a) not owning a jet plane and b) being unable to construct a working fuse for his own homemade nuclear bomb. We have come up with our Top Nine easier ways for Damir to have his revenge against Australia ...

9) Take a shit in a random jar of vegemite
8) Reveal the location of where Jelena got that mole moved to
7) Produce another child, again raise it as a forced tennis champion and then have it play for Serbia
6) Toilet paper Australia's front yard ... New Zealand
5) Accept channel Nine's invitation to be on Celebrity Overhaul
4) Kidnap an Australian, just not the newborn Prince of Denmark, despite what everybody says, he is NOT Australian
3) Marry Rose Porteous to regain Australian Citizenship, yes, he is just that mad
2) Pull off his own international coup and convince Daniel Kowalski to swim for Serbia at the Olympics only to have this backfire on him severely when Daniel continually comes in second
1) Buy a large chunk of property in Serbia and set up his own Australia. He'll have his own Australian Open which serves players only COLD sausages before matches

Seeing we had literally thousands of complaints that our last Sudoku was a little easy "more Moderate than Difficult" many said, we hope to have improved things with our second attempt. Answer provided next week.

Rated M15+.

Palestinians are calling it “holy punishment” from Allah; others are calling it normal for a 77-year-old man to be in a coma. Either way Ariel Sharon is still not showing any sign of recovery. Understandably people are getting a little bored waiting so we give them the Top Nine things to do with Ariel Sharon while he is in a coma...

9) Fly him to the futuristic looking Star Wars ride at Disneyland, leave a Jerusalem paper dated 3050 by his bedside and wait
8) Test some radical new coma recovery treatments on him. eg Try running Daddy Day Care for 72 hours straight to see if brain activity increases or decreases
7) Shave his eyebrows. And his balls
6) Dress him as the Little Mermaid
5) Hook his catheter up to his saline drip
4) Fly in Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman to help him finish off peace talks
3) Uncircumcise him
2) Try to bring him out of the coma the only way Israel knows how. A fresh wave of violence against Palestine
1) Call in the Mythbusters guys to test the ‘hand in some warm water’ party trick

The Naughty Pig would like to apologise to Heath Ledger and the producers of his new movie Brokeback Mountain after incorrectly referring to the movie as Bareback Mountain in its recent review.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused to readers who had asked for tickets to Bareback Mountain at the box office and were embarrassed once advised correctly.

Bea Arthur

• Greenpeace Backdown As Japanese Scientists Cure Cancer Using Ground Whale Penis
• John Farnham Announces His "I Need A New Boat" Tour
• SMH Releases Shark Good Food Guide 2005. Tamarama Retains 3 Chef's Hats
• Apple Announces Intel Macs. Dell Unsure How To Copy That

After taking control of PBL following his father's death, it has dawned on James Packer that he now is in complete control of Channel Nine. Being an avid TV watcher he is keen to help out as much as he can, so every chance he gets he is pitching his ideas for fresh new TV shows...

"OK guys I came up with this one last night while watching Two and a Half Men, see what you think. Picture this, Russell Gilbert and Shane Bourne are two brothers living together after the divorce of one..."

Turkish President Ahmet Necdet Sezer has come out in defence of his homeland after the World Health Organization and UN Food and Agriculture Organization have warned of a possible pandemic of the killer disease. Mr Sezer, speaking from his local Charcoal Chicken, addressed the assembled media earlier today: "Turkey is being unfairly criticised due to its bird based name. We have no more cases than China or Indonesia, do you think we would be copping this if our country was called Salad?"
The press conference then came to an abrupt end as a pigeon swooped close to the President causing him to start furiously scrubbing his exposed skin in Dettol.

Hasta La Vista Bready

At approximately 10:08am last Monday toasters as we know them changed forever with the Conner family of Kew, Victoria, realising that their Sunbeam Quantum toaster had suddenly become self aware and had begun to learn from its surroundings.

No-one is sure how the toaster was able to become cognisant, with a strange electrical disturbance or some kind of manufacturing anomaly being suggested as probable causes.

Over the course of the last week the toaster has formed a strong relationship with the Conner’s son John through whom it has developed a complex understanding of human emotions and thought patterns.

The toaster's owner and John's mother, Mrs Conner, had this to say: “Watching the toaster interact with my son John is strange. It was like it would toast, grill or heat anything for him. It would never touch him inappropriately, take him to see a live show or set him up on a date with its ugly sister. It would die to toast for him. It would never stop.”

John has taken a keen interest in the toaster too. As well as the the toaster being able to help him with his homework and also provide warm toasted treats on demand John is helping it learn the subtleties of the English language and some sassy Spanish catchphrases too.

Authorities are treating the toaster with caution as it’s thirst for knowledge swells and its interest in international defence and political issues grows ever sinister.

“It sure has been asking a lot of strange questions lately,” said Mrs Conner. “It asked me what my computer password was and whether one of its toasting slots could have a network interface card installed in it. I’m a little dubious about it as we’ll only be able to cook three slices of toast at a time then.”

The true value of the toaster to the Conner family was realised though when it saved John from drowning in the family pool by tossing in its power chord to drag him to safety.

“It gave me hope for the human race, I mean, if a toaster can learn the value of human life maybe we can too,” said Mrs Conner.

• 1000th Obscure Cricket Milestone Celebrated
• TV’s Medium Patricia Arquette, Now More Of A Large Really
• New Year's Resolution to “Nail” Angelina Jolie No Closer To Completion
• Allah Torn As He Is Inundated By Prayers Of Both Saviour and Death For Ariel Sharon
• Albino Photographer Grows Tired Of Red Eye Jokes

With 2005 officially the hottest year on record, many people are claiming this is proof that global warming is real. We here at the Naughty Pig, on the other hand, once bedded a Japanese girl from Kyoto so have known it for quite a while. So from our experience we offer you the Top Nine ways to tell global warming is here to stay...

9) The polar ice caps are melting faster than Teri Hatcher's face
8) Everyone is staying cool by following the Prime Minister’s lead and dealing with the heat by sticking their heads in the sand. Bam! Another zinger Johnny!
7) Birds are hovering mid-air not knowing where to instinctively fly for the winter
6) Your annual family holiday to the beach is now out at Wagga Wagga
5) Your pet husky asks for money for a full body Brazilian
4) Tar and feathering is now a necessity rather that a humorous punishment for cowboys
3) You fall asleep while sunbaking and wake up with a turkey temperature tester sticking out of your arse
2) Caps with neck flaps are back in fashion... man those were cool
1) The old person that you keep in a cage to alert you to it being too hot just died

Rated: Difficult - For Pig readers

No math skills necessary simply use logic to fill in the blank squares. Solution to be published once we complete the puzzle.

Australian troops fighting the war in Iraq received an unexpected gift under the khaki tree this Christmas when popular US actor and comedian Leslie Nielsen made a surprise visit for the army’s traditional Christmas Day lunch.
In order to keep the surprise a secret Mr Nielsen travelled under the false name His Excellency Major General Michael Jeffery AC CVO MC Governor-General of the Commonwealth of Australia. He arrived early on Christmas Day and promptly put on a show reciting lines from some of his more popular movies such as Mr Magoo, Surf Ninjas and Spy Hard to entertain the troops and take their minds off the high levels of innocent casualties.
After lunch Mr Nielsen took a short tour of the base all the while quipping one-liners and sending officers into hysterical polite grins before boarding his return flight to the US.

NSW Premier Morris Iemma has expressed disappointment upon learning that New South Wales has come second to Queensland in the annual holiday road toll this year. “As a New South Welshman and a driver I felt we, the most populated state, should have easily won. I hope next year everyone digs deep and really puts in the effort to drink drive more, drive incredibly long hours and have great difficulty driving in a straight line without bumping into anything. I know it is a small comfort to us all but look at the ACT and Northern Territory, they both got zero! Losers.”