Actress and star of such films as Kiss The Girls and Double Jeopardy, Ashley Judd, has today spoken out at the lack of quality "wrongfully accused / women on the run" film roles available in Hollywood at the moment.
Sighting an almost 7 year gap since her last film of this kind, Ms Judd commented that it was, "a sad day in Hollywood when roles where women are set up for crimes they did not commit only to single-handedly track down their enemy to deliver their ultimate revenge possibly in a rural farm house setting or on a high rise building in the rain only to stop short of killing them as the detective assigned to capture her finally finds her just as the enemy reaches for his gun and both her and the detective shoot the enemy at the same time, are not out there anymore."
This criticism is not only from women, actor Tommy Lee Jones has also recently questioned script writers ability to deliver roles for no nonsense world weary federal marshals and crusty FBI agents assigned to track high profile wrongfully accused killers on the run.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has this week tried to insult Israel by saying "The Zionist regime is a decaying and crumbling tree that will fall with a storm"... Ouch! Having been the Iranian President's speech writer up until last week until he was found with a male concubine, the Naughty Pig can bring to you the Top Nine other things Mr Ahmadinejad was going to call Israel...

9) An impotent horse unable to perform for its debut beastiality film
8) Dried cat poo that is unable to stick to a shoe when trodden on as it has dried to a white powdery substance
7) The weird red head from The Pussy Cat Dolls who scares young children
6) A beardless Doug Parkinson
5) A worn out wettex unfit to remove spilt pasta sauce from laminex
4) A bunch of fucking Jews
3) A dried out scab on the knee of democracy ready to be wiggled loose and flicked at the girls during recess
2) An ageing dance student desperately clinging to her youth with a dream of one day making it on Broadway
1) The limp sweaty handshake of a nervous photocopier salesman as he realises he has blown the deal before even meeting you by leering at your secretary, who is also your wife.

The Annual BRW Top 50 Richest Australian Entertainers List for 2005 was released this week. The usual names were all there, Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe and a few new ones. With most of them it is obvious where all the money comes from but others not so. These are the Top Nine things you did not know about the BRW Top 50 Richest Entertainers...

9) Without selling hand made knitted coats for cats on eBay, Nicole Kidman would only have earnt a mere 17 million
8) Keith Urban makes that much money singing country music. Seriously!
7) Greg from the Wiggles has blown most of his share of the money on his fairy bread addiction
6) With AC/DC on the list the government finds the disposable income of bogans is easier to track
5) Russell Crowe will soon be off the list if he keeps insisting with that TOFOG crap
4) Harold from Neighbours is a notable absentee
3) Baby Mia Carwright-Hewitt is at number 43 and may never see a cent of it. C'mon
2) Magda Szubanski almost missed out on the list, not because she doesn't make enough money but simply because she is no longer entertaining
1) The Veronica twins divide their money 60/40 in favour of the prettier one

Artists impression of the Hewitt's first family photo.

Just when most people thought Lleyton Hewitt had reached the limit for exploitation of family privacy for financial gain, the bar has once again been raised by the announcement of his brand new web site called www.lleytonhewittspreciousfamilymoments.com.au.

From today people will be able to purchase various photos of baby Mia ranging in price from $280 for a wallet sized portrait up to $65,000 for a 6'x14' copy of Mia's first Pixie Photo shoot at a suburban Sydney K-Mart store. Also limited edition 'Special Moments' videos and memorabilia is being offered for sale.

"I thought striking a deal with Women’s Day for sole pictures, videos and stories of his kid was callow, cold hearted and disrespectful but the little bugger either just doesn't care or has no idea what the word ‘family’ means" said one disgusted Sydney resident.

Some of the more controversial photos include a picture of Bec breast feeding called 'A nip of milk thanks mum' which is listed as a limited run of 5 reprints at $35,000 each and a video of Mia's first nappy change which has been rated M as it contains strong language and has an asking price of $100,000.

A former family friend had this to say, "It's like he knows he's a talentless, unlikeable little prat who has next to no chance of being a dominant force in world tennis, so is making hay while the sun shines. If I was Lleyton I'd be booking that baby a place in therapy rather than daycare. I can see it now 'So Mia this is the second time we've met and we've so far established that your father doesn't love you and had you pegged as simply a dollar sign from an early age...'"

After the announcement of the new web site several complaints were reportedly made to NSW Child Services about the welfare and perceived exploitation of baby Mia. Unfortunately, Child Services have stated they are unable to do anything due to a conflicting deal they have in place to sell any information about baby Mia to New Idea.

The web site is due to go live at 4pm today and 50% of the proceeds of the first 20 photo sales will go to the Lleyton and Bec Hewitt Children of Tennis Players Under 5 Feet High Foundation.

So ripe and ready

The Australian Pedal Appreciation society's 200 strong membership has today voted to come up with a new name to refer to themselves after yet another misunderstanding with members of the public and police.

Pedal Appreciation Society members, or "Ped-o-philes" as they refer to themselves are people who appreciate pedals and all things pedal related. At their weekly meeting at a scout hall in the outskirts of Sydney a motion was passed to come up with a new nickname to replace ped-o-philes.

Speaking for the group, cofounder and spokesmen Rory McNonce said, "Much like technology enthusiasts referring to themselves as techno-philes and music lovers audio-philes we thought it was the natural name when referring to ourselves. We did not really run in to too much trouble until our annual charity day at Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital where we were chased off the property. So far we have a few suggestions for a new nickname such as ped heads, peddle pushers and my favourite the Tightcherrypinkboy'sarsehole-ophiles."

Due to the extended week of daylight savings in the eastern states of Australia, 37-year-old office manager, Maurine Druis has forgotten to set her biological clock back an hour throwing out her entire body clock.
With her biological clock remaining an hour ahead of everyone else Maurine has begun her usual predatory behaviour, she usually reserves for the bar near work, whilst still in the office. In her desperate attempt to ‘land a man’ and ‘finally get knocked up’ Maurine locked her sights on the unsuspecting office junior, Kevin Grind.
Unfortunately Maurine came on a bit too strong by attempting to "buy" Kevin a drink in the office kitchenette and suggesting they "get out of this place" to "find somewhere they could talk". Sensing the threat Kevin managed to escape unharmed.