"Ice, ice baby"

A new survey released today has revealed that you are hooked on ice. Right at this very moment as you read this story the scourge that is Methamphetamine, or ice, is ruining your life. But not just your life but also that of everyone you know and hold dear, as sadly they too are hooked on ice. In fact everyone in Australia is totally and utterly hooked on ice. These shocking findings only help reinforce the utter distain this drug has for you and the menacing way it has found it’s way in to everyday life. This scourge upon our great nation is literally tearing the very fabric of society apart with every single Australian unable to stop smoking, injecting or snorting ice at every given moment, the study reveals.

After being questioned upon arrival at customs about suspicious substances, Sylvester Stallone decided to lay low for the duration of his stay in Australia. His idea of laying low consisted of throwing items out of his hotel window attracting even more suspicion and another customs visit. Being avid lurkers near hotel room windows, and therefore there on the night in question, we can bring you the Top Nine other things thrown out of Sly Stallone’s hotel room window…?
9) Angela Bishop, then Richard Wilkins, then Angela Bishop again. She is persistent
8) A spent condom worn by Bridgitte Neilson
7) A script for Rocky VII that sees him fighting Apollo Creed to jump the queue to see a hip replacement specialist
6) Hundreds of copies of the one favourable review that said Rocky VI was “no worse than the last 5”
5) A substance that is natural that he has used for years: speech therapy books
4) A scrawny 50lb bellhop, just for being a puny wimp
3) Jackie Stallone's predictions that Cancer's may receive an unexpected raid by Australian customs officers on or around 11:30pm on the 19th
2) A tattered copy of Growing an Oily, Ratty Mullet For Dummies
1) His dignity

"If it bleeds, we can kill it"

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has today announced the immobilisation of 2000 Australian troops to help in the fight against French love rat Oliver Martinez. Now hated by every Australian and officially wanted for crimes against Our Kylie, Oliver Martinez has gone into hiding somewhere in a New York hotel. Reportedly taking with him a bevy of tall brunettes, Gerard Depardieu movies and lots of cute fluffy kittens to eat.

With no greater issue facing our nation, the drought and the war in Iraq have taken a back seat with unilateral support for the military incursion coming from both sides of parliament. John Howard has appealed for international support from Britain and the USA claiming, "You're either with us, or against us and therefore a love rat yourself." Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd showed his support by stating, “This is what God would want us to do. Oliver Martinez is the devil and must pay for his sins. Oliver Martinez is going to Hell for what he has done to our favourite Pop Princess.”

Head of the Australian Defence Force, Air Chief Marshal Angus Houston, has stated that Australian troops will not rest until the reprehensible love rat has been caught and brought to justice for having the gall to dump Our Courageous and Tenacious Kylie so callously after all she has been through.

The troops will leave for New York on a specially chartered C-130 Hercules aircraft early next week with enough provisions for up to 6 months of heavy conflict. Before deployment troops have been put through an intense training course on ways to spot Oliver’s camouflage armour, how to avoid being shot by his shoulder laser canon and how to combat his infra red vision through the use of mud and bright lights.

Show your support this Wednesday by helping raise money for our struggling Kylie by participating in the first national "Talk Like A Plumby Brit Day". All monies raised on "Talk Like A Plumby Brit Day" will go towards helping Our Kylie cope with breaking up with her love rat boyfriend, an ordeal that no famous Australian woman should ever be allowed to suffer again.

"Well... look at that my cock seems to have 'accidently' slipped out."

While taking a quick time out from his heavy pre election campaign NSW opposition leader Peter Debnam has taken the opportunity for a quick swim at the beach. Strutting in his speedos Mr Debnam asked reporters, "don't you just love my cock?" He then turned to a group of teenagers and asked if they would like a cock like his when they grew up.

Mr Debnam then continued, "I mean look at its outline in my black speedos. All nicely packed between my two just as nice looking balls. In fact I’d say I have the best looking cock and balls in parliament."

"I believe if enough people get a look at my stout, axe handle-like cock I have a better than even chance of winning the next election. The ladies will have a hard time voting against such a fine looking cock."

"Imagine if it was to fall out of my speedos right here right now, how many people would be jealous of its boldness and lustre. It gets special attention I hand wash it each day and it has its own chamois for drying. It's the Mercedes of cocks really."

NSW Premier Morris Iemma has expressed disgust and slight jealousy at Mr Debnams flagrant flaunting of his cock in public, “Mr Debnam may well have a nice cock, which in fact he does, it still does not give him the right to strut Sydney's beaches in his wet, taunt, genitalic cupping speedos asking random members of the general public if they like his cock."

The University of New South Wales's drama department's latest play, a live production of the 1989 movie Weekend At Bernie's has opened to rave reviews this week. Starring Simon Wylie and James Duncan in the lead roles made famous by Andrey McCarty and Jonathan Silverman the real star of the production is Donated Body 722b who plays Bernie Lomax, the 'dead' leading man.

The production has been playing to packed theatres since it opened two weeks ago with the Sydney Morning Herald's arts page describing Donated Body 722b's performance as "one of the most relaxed stage presences I have ever witnessed. His ability to portray a corpse is nearly flawless and his sense of comic timing is close to perfect. Pay extra attention to the ultra realistic way his arm falls off his body in the second act, the makeup and special effect expertise of undergraduate Brad Hogen (for some reason billed as morgue technical / embalmer) obviously also deserve credit for his work. A must see, 4 stars."

Satire site writer, part time dental nurse and full time substitute soccer mum, the Naughty Pig has today surprised his friends and colleges after suddenly appearing after nine months of inexplicable absence.

Disappearing in early May 2006, many of the Naughty Pig's friends and relatives had given him up for dead (or at least rotting in a Thai prison), but today at approximately 3:39pm he casually walked back into his offices unaware of the fact he had even been missing. Apparently the Naughty Pig had accidentally travelled forward in time by falling through a wormhole created by masturbating to a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History Of Time.

Upon his return the Naughty Pig was keen to discuss all the cutting edge and important issues that were on his mind when he left such how would Gaelan fit in inside the Big Brother house and would those trapped miners be happier if Kochie referred to them as 'great blokes to have a beer with.'

After a brief period of shock the Naughty Pig then spent the next several hours trying to come to terms with how far the human race had advanced by trying to decipher the rules to channel 10's the CONtest.