"If it bleeds, we can kill it"

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has today announced the immobilisation of 2000 Australian troops to help in the fight against French love rat Oliver Martinez. Now hated by every Australian and officially wanted for crimes against Our Kylie, Oliver Martinez has gone into hiding somewhere in a New York hotel. Reportedly taking with him a bevy of tall brunettes, Gerard Depardieu movies and lots of cute fluffy kittens to eat.

With no greater issue facing our nation, the drought and the war in Iraq have taken a back seat with unilateral support for the military incursion coming from both sides of parliament. John Howard has appealed for international support from Britain and the USA claiming, "You're either with us, or against us and therefore a love rat yourself." Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd showed his support by stating, “This is what God would want us to do. Oliver Martinez is the devil and must pay for his sins. Oliver Martinez is going to Hell for what he has done to our favourite Pop Princess.”

Head of the Australian Defence Force, Air Chief Marshal Angus Houston, has stated that Australian troops will not rest until the reprehensible love rat has been caught and brought to justice for having the gall to dump Our Courageous and Tenacious Kylie so callously after all she has been through.

The troops will leave for New York on a specially chartered C-130 Hercules aircraft early next week with enough provisions for up to 6 months of heavy conflict. Before deployment troops have been put through an intense training course on ways to spot Oliver’s camouflage armour, how to avoid being shot by his shoulder laser canon and how to combat his infra red vision through the use of mud and bright lights.

Show your support this Wednesday by helping raise money for our struggling Kylie by participating in the first national "Talk Like A Plumby Brit Day". All monies raised on "Talk Like A Plumby Brit Day" will go towards helping Our Kylie cope with breaking up with her love rat boyfriend, an ordeal that no famous Australian woman should ever be allowed to suffer again.