Bush Claims Al Qaeda Trained Butterflies Responsible For Hurricane Katrina
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my pretties |
US President George W Bush
has today made public ‘irrefutable proof’
that hurricane Katrina that caused so much
destruction to New Orleans was, in fact, caused
by terrorists. Mr Bush’s proof centres
around his recently learned ‘chaos theory’.
He claims that Al Qaeda operatives have trained
and released butterflies in the Brazilian
rainforest with the express purpose of setting
off the so called Butterfly Effect to cause
damaging and evil storms in the USA.
Mr Bush has promised to move all remaining
troops from the US to South America to destroy
these freedom-hating insects. “America’s
number one priority is to track down and kill
the evil doers before their numbers spread,”
said Mr Bush, “each flap of their wings
brings with it a wave of hatred at our beliefs
and way of life.”
Asked how the government was tipped off
to the now apparent terrorist attack Mr Bush
claimed to have pieced together the puzzle
himself, “We had a showing of that Jurassic
Park movie in the White House cinema the other
week while the storm was raging. The Jeff
Goldblum character spells it out in plain
English. He says somethin' like ‘A flap
of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil can
cause a tornado in Texas’. We do not
know yet whether Mr Goldblum is directly involved
but he is a little Arab looking so we have
shipped him off to camp X-Ray to be on the
safe side.”
The Al Jazeera TV network in Afghanistan has
shown footage of several suspected terrorists
catching and training butterflies and has
claimed to have received a letter from Al
Qaeda claiming responsibility for the hurricane.
Al Qaeda, however, have not claimed responsibility
for the follow-up storm ‘Hurricane Rita’
although Mr Bush has used his theory to calculate
this may be the work of Iraqi Insurgent’s
ceiling fans.
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Star City Casino Launches Super Fund
Now
your future rest on the red...
no make it black! |
The recent Federal
legislation allowing workers to nominate
their preferred superannuation fund
has seen the emergence of some new major
players in the fight for your super
dollar.
The latest entrants to the market are
the Star City and Crown Casino Groups
who have set up their funds with direct
access to the public, allowing members
to deposit their contributions themselves.
Super contributions are easily made
at either casino in specifically designed
“super machines”.
Members are eligible to have their super
deposited directly into the fund straight
from their salary in $2, $1 or 5c lots.
If you are a member of the Government’s
voluntary contributions scheme this
can go directly into your preferred
lucky machine or as credit on your Member
Reward Card where it can be taken as
discounts at the all you can eat buffet.
A choice of different types of funds
will exist under the scheme from the
riskier High Yield Fund (double down)
to safer but lower yield schemes (collect
winnings). This level of user control
over the way future income is handled
is revolutionary in the area of superannuation.
“We think this is a great leap
forward for the average person who now
has greater flexibility with their super
money and gives us unprecedented access
to the forced savings of the common
man,” said a spokesperson for
the new Star City Super Fund, “and
remember if by some off chance you do
manage to loose all your super there
is always your next employer contribution
giving you the chance to win it all
back.*”
*Is investing is a
problem for you? Call the Investors
Hotline 18-Invest!
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Rich
Westie Man Gets Trophy Defacto
After
winning big on a scratchy last Thursday, nuevo-riche
westie Trevor Diggins has shocked his friends by dumping
his long time live-in girlfriend and getting himself
a trophy defacto.
Trev makes no apologies for dumping Rayleene
claiming the two had grown apart, but friends of the
couple say his new younger defacto Tracee is nothing
but a bronze digger, only after his cash.
Trev maintains that he is in love with
Tracee and that she is a “real good sort”
and “easy on the eye”, plus with her being
able to claim a disability pension due to losing a
toe in an industrial accident she is a good little
earner herself.
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Alternate Universe Claims It’s Heaps
Cooler Than This Universe
An
alternate universe calling itself Alfa Beta Kappa
Fubu, has this week made the bold claim that it is
‘way cooler’ and not into all that ‘mainstream
crap’ like the pathetic universe we are currently
living in.
Sporting a pair of oversized sunglasses,
tight black jeans and a torn second hand Radio Birdman
t-shirt, Alfa Beta Kappa Fubu went out of its way
to point out how it was wearing this sort of stuff
way before it became popular.
“I was listening to Greenday way
before your universe jumped on the “Dookie”
bandwagon and I was going to see Oasis when they were
still just a support act for Ride and the Jesus and
Mary Chain. Your universe is so mainstream. I mean
I was so over Desperate Housewives after I downloaded
it off the internet, like, last year some time.”
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Creative
Run Free iPod Contest
Second
fiddle MP3 maker Creative Labs has today jumped on
the iPod bandwagon by announcing an iPod giveaway
contest. Like Streets, Pepsi and thousands of other
retailers before it, Creative hopes to cash in on
the success of Apples product by offering purchasers
of their MP3 players a chance to win an Apple iPod
MP3 player.
Marketing manager Maria Horton said “Our
extensive market research shows that an iPod is by
far the number one wanted device with customers, so
like several other companies we’re going to
try to boost sales by having a give away.”
Customers who buy anything from Creative’s
Zen or MuVo range can simply sms in a special code
for their chance to instantly win.
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Teen Thrush Sufferer Settles For Yogo
After
self diagnosing herself with thrush using a 1998 copy
of Dolly Doctor and a compact mirror, teenager Sally
Byrnes has decided to try a home remedy cure in an
effort to avoid an embarrassing trip to her GP.
On her next particularly itchy and heavy discharge
day she went to the fridge to find some yoghurt, as
the magazine had suggested, to restore her yeast levels
to normal. Unable to find any yoghurt miss Byrne’s
has had to settle for her younger brother’s
chocolate Yogo. So far the thrush remains uncured,
yet her boyfriend is able to Yogo when it’s
lunchtime and he can Yogo when its not!
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Mid-Rift
In Labor Party Widens
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Flipper
called in a favour
He said he’s just got a new job to
making some extra cash by taking your mother for a
walk after school
He wouldn't
wipe the smile off his face
It was going for a sneaky look at your girlfriend swimming
He keyed
your car
He’s from the red bandana gang and that’s what happens
to those trick ass mutha fuckers when they mess with
us puce bandanas
He wouldn’t
shut up during Survivor
He
tried to shiv you first and you had to retaliate to
let the other dolphins know your not a push over
To
prove to your mates you’re tough after they
caught you crying during McLeods Daughters